i guess we skipped THE TALK but congrats on the sex
by a warrior queen
Summary: Do you want the ribbon, Gray-sama? —Silver, Gruvia.


**dedication: **to rhea and tk  
**warnings: **if you're not caught up with Fairy Tail, you won't get it. Also super awesome crack. ALSO I ACCEPT THIS THEORY SO.

**congrats on the sex!  
**

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**.**

He sighed long and hard, leaning back in his chair and propping his booted-feet on the edge of the table. This wasn't supposed to be so hard, was it? Of course it was—everything about his life was fucking hard! Surviving that demon attack, having this (super fucking cool) disgusting scar on his face, the way his hair sometimes refused to stick up in the _right_ direction and now trying to find the right fucking birthday gift for—

He sighed, again, scratching at his sideburns and grabbing his tankard of rum.

"Juvia believes something is bothering Silver-sama."

Silver looked up, gray-blue eyes observing as Juvia took cautious steps towards him, her head tilted and the heels of her boots making clank-clank-clank noise with her steps.

"Y'can say that," he drawled, inhaling sharply and lazily turning to stare at her as she sat right across from him. "What's a pretty girl like you doin' in this rowdy guild so early in the mornin'?"

A cute blush adorned her cheekbones and he smirked—yep, still had it in him after all these years.

"Juvia has nothing better to do," she said, tucking strands of her blue hair behind her ear.

Silver went back to his pondering; he didn't exactly know how long it'd been since… Okay, so that happened about seven years ago and before then there was another eleven years… He hadn't celebrated this occasion for… for _years_ and the last time he _did_, the little shithead had been little and easy to please. So what… Exactly was he supposed to do _now_?

Should he even be doing anything at all?

"Silver-sama…?"

He grunted, not bothering to correct the girl and her suffixes because he was far too used to hearing his name in such an awesome fashion.

"Is something—"

Silver took a huge gulp of his rum before slamming the tankard back down to the table. He shifted around, dropping his legs with a loud bang and leaning forwards to observe Juvia and her wide blue eyes. "So what do shit-eatin' strippin' eighteen year olds like for their birthday?" He cleared his throat, leaning back in his seat, again, and carelessly waving a hand in the air. "Y'know… the ones that turn out to be your long-lost son."

"I—Gray-sama... Likes…" Juvia pursed her lips and wrung her hands in front of her. "Grays-sama likes beer and cigarettes and taking walks when it's snowing outside… But… For his birthday…." She did this weird thing with her lips where her smile looked really soft and sweet. "Something special…"

Silver raised an eyebrow.

"I see," he drawled, standing up from his seat. "I have realized somethin'."

"O-oh…?"

Silver nodded his head. "Gray is a man—or, well, yeah, he's a man, I suppose. And as such he must like girls, such as me… So…"

"Y-yes…?"

Juvia looked really innocent. This was fucking perfect.

"I may need to borrow you, girl."

.

.

.

"Unhand me you despicable man."

Silver rolled his eyes and continued to lead his stupid I-could-have-sworn-he-died son towards his apartment. You know, something Silver had noticed about his stupid son was that he was rarely at home (and that when he was at home he had no filter and walked around as naked as a fucking jaybird). So of _course_ it had been the perfect idea to shove his gift inside the one place Gray would never be at.

"Shut up, boy."

"Quit callin' me that, you shithead."

There was a moment of silence and Silver was about to bask in it because silence was really nice. But then his shitty son just had to open his mouth again just to spew:

"Why the fuck are you takin' me to my apartment?"

"Maybe if y'shut up and walk faster you'll find out," Silver said, gruffly, yanking at Gray's wrist and quickening his stride.

It had taken him about four months after the whole shitty reunion and twenty-one questions for him to find out where the hell Gray lived. And lo and behold it was a little hole of an apartment messier than Silver's hit-list with clothes thrown around everywhere and expired food. He would be lying if he said he wasn't at least a tiny (very tiny) bit proud.

They arrived to the apartment after a few minutes of Silver smirking smugly because he knew Gray could break out of his hold around his wrist at any moment but he never did. Little fuckface was such a pushover it was hilarious.

"Now, boy—"

"My name's _Gray_, old man."

"—it has come to my attention—"

"Meanin' Mira told you, okay."

"—that your birthday is today."

"No."

"So, like the fuckin' awesome father I am—"

"Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on, y'bastard."

Silver rolled his eyes again; little fucker had the dirtiest mouth ever—had his mother still been alive, she'd wash his mouth with soap three times a day. Sadly, his precious wife was dead and probably rolling in her grave because her son was a shitstain of a boy-man-person-thing.

"Open yer door, boy."

Gray glared at him with his gray-blue eyes, his lips in a deep frown and his messy ass hair sticking up everywhere and falling over his face. Scruffy little nugget, that's what he was, Silver observed. Looked a lot like him, too—but there was a lot of his mother, too, from what he could remember. It was far too long and Silver didn't like to think about shit like that. Emotions? What the fuck were those?

"Go on, then," he nudged his chin towards the door and Gray began to mutter things under his breath, grabbing the key out of his coat's pocket (shitty little fucker he was but he had a legit sense of fashion, he'd give him that) and unlocking the door.

"S'why the fuck are you bringin' me here if you ain't even got access inside," Gray hissed, flicking the lights on carelessly.

"Shut yer mouth and get inside, boy."

"I swear to fuck—Juvia?!"

Silver let a shit-eating grin don his thin lips as he followed Gray into the small apartment, his arms crossed in front of his armored chest and a smug expression on his face. He observed his masterpiece: Juvia standing in front of Gray's bed dressed in nothing but a blue bow to cover her woman-stuff, pale skin exposed and looking provocative and innocent and devilish all in one.

Shit, Silver was the best fucking dad ever.

"Happy birthday, Gray-sama," Juvia mumbled, a deep blush on her cheeks, her hands clasped behind her and her cleavage maximized as she leaned forwards a bit.

"I—I just… What even…"

"I got you a gift," Silver drawled, clapping Gray on the back. "Took me a while to think about it before it all made sense."

"Juvia had a hard time getting the bow tied," she confessed, looking away like the innocent little kitten she was. "Silver-sama had to help."

"…He _what_?!" Gray whirled around, his crazed eyes on him. "You saw her naked?! You perverted mammoth—stay the hell away from Juvia!"

Silver rolled his eyes, "Oh, c'mon."

"What the hell made you think this was a good idea?!" He turned to face Juvia again and Silver watched his shitty kid's eyes linger on the (basically) naked girl in front of him. Oh, yeah, bow chicka wah wah. Gray shook his head, and looked away, muttering, "Fuckin' shit."

"But Gray-sama… Silver-sama just wanted to do something for your birthday… He tried really hard!"

Silver snorted, "The force is mediocre in this one."

And then Gray began to pace. God, this kid was breaking his balls—if it was reversed, Silver wouldn't take too long to hop on that line, like, the girl was obviously interested in Gray and—fucking obviously—Gray was interested right back so what the fuck was taking so long already like…?

"Clothes," Gray drawled, "Juvia, you need clothes. Yes, some clothes—I think I have some... around…"

Except that Gray was stripping while he spoke and he was down to an unbuckled belt and unbuckled pants riding low on his hips. Silver's eyes grew wide and there was really nothing that would make him want to stay and watch his mini-me get it in because, wow, can anyone talk about privacy?

Silver was a fucking gentleman, okay?

"Wait, wait you moron, I'm still here," he shuffled around and tried to make for the door. "Give me a damn minute!"

He practically giggled as he scurried out of the apartment, closing (and locking) the door behind him. Best fucking dad ever, could he get a hallelujah.

.

.

.

In the apartment, Juvia blinked at Gray.

"Why are you undressed, Gray-sama?"

"Why aren't you dressed yet?"

Juvia pursed her lips and looked down at herself; the bow was stylized so it zig-zagged around her body, making sure to cover her lady parts so that she looked teasing and revealing but still not giving it all away. At least, that's what Silver had said.

"Juvia still needs help out of the ribbon," she said, softly, shrugging a shoulder.

"…Oh."

She turned towards him, admiring the blush on his cheeks and the way his eyes were studying every inch of her.

"Do you want the bow, Gray-sama?" she asked in a moment of courage.

Gray paused from memorizing her exposed skin and looked up to her face, his eyes on hers. "…Yes."

A moment of silence. Juvia forgot how to breathe.

"I MEAN NO. WHAT? WHO SAID THAT?"

Juvia's eyes darkened—smoldered as practically purred and pounced towards him.

"What—Juvia—msfhgfjds!"

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.

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Back in the guild, Silver resumed his post on one of the tables, a tankard of rum at his side, his posture slouched and his booted feet propped on the edge of the table.

"Yep," he sighed, smirking at the blond man with the scar on his face. "Best fuckin' dad ever. Y'should take some notes."

He nudged his chin towards the barmaid and waggled his eyebrows, a shit-eating grin on his lips before he cackled.

Now to find that other son of his (what was his name again? Bryon? Shyon? Tyon?) a woman…


End file.
